The Miracle of Life
by varsitylove16
Summary: A certain subject in health class is never pleasing.. Total crack-fic.


This is a total crack-fic that I came up with after my friend came up to me, complaining about health class... Particularly about a video based on the birth of babies. XD  
I know that this is **not **how sparklings are born at all, but I thought it would be funny. *shrugs* Hopefully you do too.

Cast..

Optimus Prime: Principal  
Megatron: {evil} Vice Principal  
Ratchet: Health teacher  
Jazz, Bumblebee, Barricade, Blackout, Arcee, Bonecrusher, Prowl, and Starscream: Students

..

None of the characters, nothing Transformers related, etc.

Enjoy =)

~*~

* * *

Bumblebee walked into the classroom and sat down in his desk. He looked up at the board and read the words scribbled on it. In one corner, 'Over-energizing is NOT cool' was written in green marker. 'The Miracle of Life' was written in blue in the middle of the board. The class bell rang, and Ratchet walked up to the front of the room. He waited for the chatter to die down, but got no such luck.

"SHUT UP!"

All the younglings shushed their vocal processors and turned to look at Ratchet. The medic/teacher cleared his throat and placed his hands behind his back. "Today we will be discussing the birth of sparklings," he announced. "What?! But I ate lunch!" protested Barricade. Ratchet shot him a glare. "Sit down," he ordered. The little black and white mech pouted, but did as he was told.

"So who knows how sparklings are made?" Ratchet asked. Blackout hesitantly rose his hand, a bashful look on his facial plates.

"Yes, Blackout?"

"Um, you mix Energon, plasma, and acid, right?"

The medic sighed and shook his head. "No, Blackout. That's how you make a deadly poison." The mini-copter frowned and slumped in his seat.

"Yes, Bonecrusher?"

"You rip the spark out of someone's body and stick it in a sparkling body?"

Everyone in the class, Ratchet included, scooted away from the deranged youngling. "Uh… No. That… Just no," said Ratchet, shaking his head. Bonecrusher glared at the medic and mumbled something that sounded like, "That's what you think."

"Yes, Arcee?"

"It's when a mech and a femme do it, and the femme's spark makes another mini-spark."

Ratchet let out a relieved breath. At least one of his students actually paid attention. "Yes, that is correct," affirmed the medic. Jazz coughed the word 'nerd', earning stifled giggles from the rest of the class. The pink femme rolled her optics and crossed her arms. Ratchet pulled a TV to the front of the classroom and put a disc into the DVD slot. "And now, for 'The Miracle of Life'!" proclaimed the medic.

The TV remained blank, the screen still and filled with nothingness. Ratchet's phony smile faltered as he looked over the broken system. He spotted the problem, and plugged the TV into an electrical socket.

"What the-"

Jazz was interrupted by a femme's screams. The screen came to life, showing a pregnant femme being carted to a med-bay. "OH _PRIMUS_! I need a doctor!" screamed the femme. Barricade and Blackout started mocking the femme, making girly shrieking sounds. The onscreen femme was laid on a table. "Alright, now I need you to push," said the video-doctor, his voice cam and neutral. The preggo femme grabbed the doctor by his chest plates and pulled him to her face. "I _am_ pushing. Don't _pressure me_!" she shrieked. The doctor yelped and jumped back. "Y-Yes ma'am," he stuttered. Jazz snickered.

"There it is! I can see the head!"

Jazz stopped. "Head?"

The class watched in horror as the camera zoomed in on the emerging sparkling. "What the EF?!" screamed Blackout. "That aint right! THAT AINT RIGHT!" yelled Jazz. "It's just supposed to be the fraggin' spark! Not the whole damn thing!"

Bumblebee gagged as the sparkling finally fully emerged, lubricant spurting out around the sparkling and after it was birthed. "Let's watch that again, shall we?" said Ratchet, grinning maliciously.

Seeing the sparkling go back in was even more sickening than seeing it come out. Barricade spewed Energon all over his desk. "Gah!" blurted Bumblebee.

Ratchet rewound and replayed the birth repeatedly, laughing like a maniac the whole time. Arcee shuttered her optics and started to scream, Starscream soon living up to his name and following suit. Prowl's right optic kept twitching. Blackout, who was currently trying to rip out his optics, was screeching, "My optics! My innocent, youthful optics!"

The door to the room was blasted open, and a fuming Optimus Prime and Megatron stepped inside. "What is going on in here?" demanded Optimus. Megatron started watching the video and dry-heaved. "What kind of fragged up video is _that_?" he demanded. Ratchet pointed to the board behind him. Megatron's optics narrowed. "What does over-energizing have to do with this?"

"In the blue," sighed the medic. Megatron's optics widened as he read the words, utter revulsion and horror overtaking him. Everyone watched as the feared vice principal screamed very femme-like and ran out of the room. Optimus read the board and sighed. "Enough with the crack videos Ratchet. The younglings are already traumatized enough," ordered the Prime. The medic grumbled for a bit before turning off the TV. Optimus nodded at him and walked out of the room in search of his brother.

Ratchet turned to face the class and smiled. Each face held varying amounts of terror… all except one.

"Bonecrusher… Why are you smiling?" he asked, feeling uneasy. A smiling Bonecrusher was never good. The said youngling was beaming back at the medic and literally bouncing in his seat. "Let's watch it again!" cheered the youngling. Prowl's mental stability finally broke, and he shrieked, running out of the class.

"Okay… That's it for today. Class dismissed."

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Eh, pretty short but oh well.. Clicky the button and review! =)


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